Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
