He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
