Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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