My sheets look like a crime scene.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
