Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
