Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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