my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
whose ass print is on the piano?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
