i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I died a long time ago.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
