I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
