I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
