god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
