I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
