Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
