someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She needs sedatives and a leash
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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