Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
