my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
