I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Never joke about your clitoris.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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