6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
