Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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