I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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