I got chris browned last night
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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