just tell him i said nine months
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
