I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
