If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
