Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Pooping to opera.
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