I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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