I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
