If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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