My Higher Power is John Stamos
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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