gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She even gives head with a lisp.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
