So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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