I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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