Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
