the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
