getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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