Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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