I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
