Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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