Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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