Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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