And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
