Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
