Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
