i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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