I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
