there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i now understand why vodka
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
