I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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