The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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