Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
