A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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